Over-Apologizing: How to Break the Cycle
Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It annoys my close ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.
Presenting and Questioning
This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.
Self-Acceptance
I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that therapy might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.
Finding the Source
A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become harmful in later years.
In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.
Benefits of Counseling
When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to explore and embrace who you are.
Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.
Practical Steps
Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and nervousness.
Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.
This process will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.
